So Much For Change
by Red Witch
Summary: Events after the debacle that was San Marcos prove the more things change, the more Archer will resist it.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has run off to get drunk. So what really happened right after San Marcos? Well…**

**So Much For Change **

"So we're not ISIS anymore?" Ray asked as he emerged from the cockpit after landing the plane. Hawley and Slater had already left the plane immediately after they arrived from San Marcos, not wanting to spend another minute around Mallory and the others.

"No, apparently there's some terrorists that were complaining we were giving them a bad name or something," Mallory told him. "It doesn't matter. The CIA wants us to rename our agency anyway."

"But I had a whole butt load of ISIS crap that I was gonna sell," Pam spoke up.

"Yes. There are coffee mugs, hats, T-Shirts…" Krieger began. "The marketing possibilities are endless!"

"Well it's all going into a landfill," Mallory told them. "Unless we can get the terrorists to buy…never mind. Forget it. It's all getting dumped. Both literally and figuratively."

"Aww. I really liked the hats," Krieger sighed.

"Too bad. It's gone. Unfortunately so are my dreams of managing a successful country music star," Mallory grumbled. "It turns out that check Calderon wrote to buy all of Cherlene's records bounced! And nearly all the records were destroyed in the attack which means we can't resell them! So there goes the profits from that!"

"Good thing we looted the palace before it blew up," Pam shrugged as she motioned to the bags of loot they had taken. "Hey we can still make Cherlene a country music star."

"It's Cheryl again," The former country music star spoke up. "I think I kind of got Cherlene out of my system for now. Hell I've already become the Queen of Outlaw Country. Can't go up much further than that."

"Well we couldn't have gotten further downhill as an agency," Ray grumbled. "I'm just glad the whole nightmare is over and we can all get real paychecks again."

"You all weren't exactly suffering poverty these past few weeks when you were mooching off me living in my palace," Cyril remarked. "And I'm not counting all this stolen loot you brought back."

"**Your **palace?" Ray did a double take.

"It was mine when I took over San Marcos in the coup," Cyril said. "So yes, technically it was mine!"

"After you stole it from Calderon," Pam remarked. "And I have a feeling the guy might hold a grudge after we trashed the place."

"First of all we didn't trash the place, the CIA did," Cheryl corrected. "And second Calderon is dead. So I guess I might be a widow. Hey if I am all this stuff is mine!"

"Wait Calderon is dead? How?" Mallory asked.

"Shane the tiger ate him after I let him out of his cage," Cheryl said in a very casual way.

"Are we talking a real tiger or a metaphorical one?" Cyril raised an eyebrow.

"Real one," Cheryl explained. "Mr. Archer and I saw Shane kill and drag my probably former husband into the jungle to eat him."

"Who names a tiger _Shane?"_ Mallory blinked.

"He looked like a Shane!" Cheryl defended. "You just had to be there."

"It doesn't matter. It's just one less loose end to deal with," Mallory waved.

"Speaking of loose ends where's Lana?" Cyril realized that Lana was still in the back.

"The woman just gave birth in a war zone for crying out loud," Ray groaned. "It's not like she spent all day shopping!"

"I'm right here," Lana sighed as she walked over carrying Abbiejean. "Uh Archer kind of needs a little space right now."

Everyone poked their head into the other cabin to look at Archer.

"Meep!" Archer was staring into space, completely stunned. "Meep!"

"Why is he acting like **that?"** Cyril pointed to Archer who was still in a state of shock.

It was now or never. As good as an opening as she would ever get.

"Because I just told him he's the father of my child."

For the next ten seconds you could have heard a pin drop. Then Pam crowed. "I KNEW IT! PAY UP YOU SUCKERS! I WON THE BETTING POOL!"

"Oh for Christ's sake…" Mallory groaned. "I should have known!"

"So should I!" Cyril wailed. "OH GOD!"

"Oh good lord in heaven," Ray groaned.

"Awww…so that means I can't do a DNA test," Krieger was disappointed.

"Eww, gross babies…" Cheryl moaned. "And I'm out fifty bucks!"

"Well it's not like this hasn't happened before," Mallory went to get a drink from the bar. "It's just the first time anyone has gotten purposely knocked up by Sterling."

"And kept it," Cheryl added.

"What about that hooker baby?" Pam asked. "The wee baby Seamus."

"I'm not so sure," Krieger shrugged. "I did a DNA test a while back and the results weren't exactly conclusive. Doesn't even look like him. At least I think I did. Did I? Who's Seamus again?"

"When did you do…? Never mind," Mallory groaned then took a drink.

"Congratulations Grandma!" Pam said cheerfully.

"Call me that again and I will put a bullet through what passes for your brain," Mallory glared at her.

"I have to know," Cyril glared at Lana. "What the hell were you **thinking** when you did that?"

"I know what she was thinking!" Mallory fumed. "She was thinking she found a way to get her hands on Sterling's inheritance and my fortune!"

"What fortune? What inheritance? You're **broke**!" Lana snapped.

"Oh right. Yes, I'm broke. So it couldn't have been for that reason," Mallory blinked.

"Or **are **you?" Pam gave her a look.

"Yes I am! Never mind! Lana did it for love! I was wrong!" Mallory said quickly.

"Wait you've been living in my house sponging off me and this whole time…?" Cheryl glared at Mallory.

"No! I just forgot I was broke! That's not important!" Mallory said quickly. "What's important is that I'm a grandmother and Lana is part of the family."

"Hopefully the stupid gene is in the Y chromosome so the baby is immune," Cyril grumbled as he got a drink.

"Actually that's a valid point," Krieger admitted as he also got a drink. He looked at Lana. "Did you uh, make sure it was a girl if you get my drift?"

"Uh yeah," Lana admitted as they all moved towards the bar. "Kinda…"

"Good call," Mallory nodded. "Hmm, you are showing signs of being a good mother already."

"Oh yes stealing sperm, lying and manipulating your child! Excellent training from the Mallory Archer School of Parenting!" Cyril spat. "I don't know why I'm surprised at all this! You've never gotten over Archer! You just used me to get back at him!"

"And you're just figuring this out **now?**" Cheryl giggled.

"You cheated on me you asshole!" Lana barked.

"So did Archer but that didn't stop you from running back to him and using his sperm like a prize steer!" Cyril yelled. "Why him and not me?"

"Krieger you wanna take it from here?" Ray quipped as he poured himself a drink. "From the genetics point of view?"

"NEVER MIND!" Cyril snapped. "You know what? I'm glad this happened! I was already over you but now I'm **officially** over you! I'm married now! Sort of. I think. Not so sure how legally binding it is…"

"Especially since she didn't have sex with you," Ray added. "Then slept with another man not even two minutes after the wedding ceremony."

"Which probably wasn't legal anyway," Pam piped up.

"Then ran off and is probably dead under a pile of rubble that was the palace," Mallory rolled her eyes. "And if she isn't she's probably screwing around with someone else by now."

"Hey that saves on alimony!" Pam spoke up.

"Okay so maybe I'm probably most likely not really married anyway," Cyril groaned. "But that only means I'm back on the market!"

"Who'd want **you**?" Mallory groaned.

"That's it! You want Archer so bad! You can have him! It's over!" Cyril snapped.

"She already dumped you, moron," Pam rolled her eyes. "Like nine months ago?"

"Uh technically only about eight," Lana coughed.

"I REMEMBER THAT LANA! I WAS THERE!" Cyril shouted.

"Apparently not enough," Pam quipped.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Cyril yelled in frustration. "Fine! You know what! Go back to Archer! I hope the three of you will be very happy!"

"We will!" Lana snapped. "Right Archer? Archer?" She went back into the cabin. "Archer? Where are you?"

"Uh…." Ray looked out the window and pointed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer was screaming in terror as he drove off in a jeep that had been parked near the plane.

"Oh…great," Lana gritted her teeth.

"There he goes again," Pam took a drink. "Dibs on his share of the loot and cocaine!"

"Wonderful! Once again Sterling takes off and leaves me in the lurch!" Mallory grumbled. Everyone gave her a look. "What?"

"Honestly Lana I don't think you thought this through," Ray remarked.

"No kidding," Cyril snorted. "So uh…Lana...Now that Archer's out of the picture. Will you take me back?"

"Ugh…" Lana made a noise of disappointment and disgust.


End file.
